It was the summer after it all began . . .
The year before, Julie Kwaites, Mallory Leigh, Niki Reneir, Valerie Champain, and Valerie's invisible friend Bob had discovered that they were the reincarnations of the Moo Princess (Sailor Moo) and her Guardians, soldiers of the Moo Kingdom, sworn to protect their people from all evils that walk the Earth (or swim, crawl, fly . . . you get the picture).
The first great evil the Sailor Team had faced was none other than Mr. Mister, a fearsome cloaked figure whose secret identity was Cajun Man. Once Mr. Mister was unmasked, (being unable to speak in capital letters and varying suffixes), he was at the mercy of Sailor Moo, and the archenemies struck a deal: probation and a shortened jail time for Cajun Man in exchange for the reincarnated lives of the senshi who had tragically ceased to live during the battle.
After Julie's friends and fellow coworkers were revived, the Sailor Senshi lived in happy bliss (well, as happy as was possible in the small, pathetic, boring town of Loserville, Lousyana), finishing out the school year, and preparing for the best summer of their young superhero lives.
Little did they know . .
One day in
early summer, the senshi were lounging around in
Valerie's room, talking laughing, and doing everything else they usually did
when not listening to their mentor and cat-shaped guide, Krystina. Annoyed, 
Krystina
jumped up on the bed between the senshi, and after
hissing loudly, began to speak (as she was known to often do).
"Listen up, Sailor Scouts," Krystina said, "just because it is summer vacation does not mean you can fluff off. We have to find the new enemy!".
"Hey, if it's summer vacation . . . why are we still wearing our school uniforms?", Niki asked, a puzzled expression on her face.
"Because you're a bloody idiot," Bob replied.
"You're wearing your uniform too, Bob," Niki pointed out.
Valerie burst out into hysterical laughter. "Ha ha ha! Bob's an idiot! Bob's a bloody idiot! Mwhahahahaha!" she squealed with delight.
"Shut up! Gosh!" Mallory cried, annoyed with the constant bickering that was always going on between the senshi of different hair colors. Now that Niki was a henna redhead for the summer, and Valerie was (for lack of a better barbie doll) kind of blonde, there were even more conflicts than usual.
In the silence that followed, the ex-freshman senshi heard a murmuring coming from the corner of the room where Julie sat alone with her eyes closed.
"Oh . . ." Julie sighed. "I wish Tuxedo Dego was here . . . I want to feel his arms all over my body!"
The other senshi grimaced in disgust before synchronously shouting: "SHUT UP!"
Krystina rolled her eyes. It's a shame that every time they are reincarnated they lose a significant level of intelligence. And they've been reincarnated so many times. . . She shot a look at Julie. Some more than others. Out loud, she cleared her throat and said with a sigh, "Back to the meeting."
That night, the senshi were lying on Valerie's floor, wrapped up in their metallically shiny sleeping bags, about to go to sleep.
"Goodnight everybody," Mallory said sleepily, snuggling down into her sleeping bag.
"Valerie?" Niki said.
"Yeah?"
"How come you get to sleep on the bed?"
"Because it's my room and my bed, damn it!"
"But I don't want to sleep on the floor," Bob complained. "It's not comfortable!"
"Heh . . ." Valerie scoffed. "Do you think I really care?"
"Uhh . . . Tuxedo Dego . . . I want to feel your arms all over my body!" Julie cried from her corner of the floor.
Mallory groaned in annoyance. "Please, don't. I would like pleasant dreams."
Meanwhile, in the ghetto of Beau Chene . . .
"Oh Master, I am so glad you have revived," a round, clay-ball like figure said joyfully to the great hooded figure who sat before her. It was the middle of the night and a newly reincarnated Professor Smeezer (who looked an awful lot like a ball of clay) was standing in front of an ornate throne in an immense, cavernous cave somewhere under the Beau Chene Country Club.
"SO AM I," the cloaked figure replied. "I ONLY WISH THAT I HAD BEEN REVIVED WITH MORE *AHEM* INTELLIGENT HENCHMEN ALONG WITH ME."
"Oh, honorable Master," Smeezer said humbly. "Let me be your faithful servant. Can I kiss your feet?"
"PLEASE DON'T."
"How are you going to destroy the evil senshi?" A newly revived, similarly clay-ball shaped Bentfence asked.
"WELL . . .THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION." The cloaked figure paused. After a moment of evil deliberation, he continued. "I PLAN ON INVADING ONE OF THE SENSHI'S DREAMS. MWHAHAHAHA.
"But Master!" Smeezer protested, "dreams are precious, personal belongings!"
"WHAT'S YOUR POINT? I'M EVIL. IT'S WHAT I DO BEST. MWHAHAHAHA. MWHAHAHAHA. MWHAHA - LAUGH ALONG WITH ME, PLEASE."
Smeezer and Bentfence immediately joined in the evil chuckles.
"MWHAHAHAHA. MWHAHAHAHA. MWHAHAHAHA . . ."
Meanwhile, back in Valerie's bedroom . . .
As the camera zooms in on a sleeping Niki wrapped in her metallic red sleeping bag, a badly hummed "Twilight Zone" theme plays eerily in the background . . .
"Mr. Walrus?" Niki murmurs in her sleep as the world becomes fuzzily out of focus. "Is that you?"
Later, in Niki's nifty spiffy dream world . . .
"Oh, look!" Niki cried happily. "I'm wearing a red cape. It looks like my sleeping bag." She studied the metallic red material more closely. "It IS my sleeping bag!"
Suddenly, there was a noise from another section of the dream world.
"Mr.
Walrus, is that you?"
Niki saw a mysteriously cloaked figure step out of the shadows.
"UH . . . WHY, YES IT IS," the mysteriously cloaked figure who looked nothing at all like a walrus replied. "HELLO, LITTLE GIRL."
"Um . . .
hi," Niki said.
The cloaked figure shifted slightly and some of the cloak slipped back, revealing a very non-walrus like thigh.
"Mr. Walrus,
you have nice legs," Niki said approvingly.
"WHY,
THANK YOU," the mysterious cloaked figure replied. "I SHAVE DAILY."
"Your
legs are so . . . sexy!"
"ARE THEY
REALLY?"
"Yes. They make me want to . . ." an evil glint came to Niki's eyes. "Raaarrr."
"OH GOD . . ." the cloaked figure muttered, the darkness under his hood where his face would have been, paled in fear.
"I want to put my arms all over your body!" Niki cried. And then, without warning, she leapt on top of the cloaked figure.
"BUT I'M NOT MR. WALRUS!" the cloaked figure cried pathetically. "HELP ME! I'M BEING MOLESTED BY A GIRL IN A RED SLEEPING BAG! AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!"
The next day dawned bright and sunny, and several hours later, the senshi woke up, walked outside, and laid back down on the bright green grass. After several minutes of silent cloud-gazing, Mallory spoke up.
"Wow . . . I just love tanning in our school uniforms. It gives a great tan-line."
"Yeah," Valerie agreed. "It's almost as good as a farmer tan-line. Farmer tan-lines are pretty!"
"I like farmers," Bob added.
Niki looked thoughtful. "What did you guys dream about last night?" she asked the others.
"I dreamed about Tuxedo Dego running his arms all over my body," Julie replied.
"I
dreamed about killing Bob," Valerie said.
Bob
sniffed. "I don't have dreams. I'm too mature."
"You don't have a neck either," Valerie shot back. "Are you too mature for that?!!"
Mallory sighed dreamily. "I dreamed that . . . I was running . . . and there was a bus . . . and it was weird."
"Mmm . . . great dreams, Mallory." Niki rolled her eyes.
Niki, what did you dream about?"
Niki grinned smugly. "It was great."
"Well,
what was it about?"
"I
attacked a walrus."
"Who
won?" Mallory asked.
Niki's grin broadened. "We both won."
Meanwhile,
back in the ghetto of Beau Chene . . .
"Mr.
Mister," Smeezer said, "why are you back so soon?"
"AS A
MATTER OF FACT IT TURNS OUT THE, UM, INVADING DREAMS
THING WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA. IN FACT, IT
WAS A BAD ONE."
"But Mr.
Mister, what do you plan on doing next?"
"HMM . . . IN ORDER TO FIND OUT THEIR WEAKNESSES, I WILL DISGUISE MYSELF AS SOMEONE THEY TRUST! >MWHAHAHAHA!"
"Who?"
"HOLD ON
A SECOND, AND LET ME CHANGE."
The cloaked
figure jumped out of frame, and a moment later he reappeared disguised as none
other than the Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts.
"TADA!" He cried triumphantly. "AREN'T I HANDSOME?"
The clay-balls
looked confused. "Who are
you?"
"I AM THE
PRINCE WHO LIKES COKE AND PEANUTS! MWHAHAHAHA! MWHAHAHAHA! MWHAHA- LAUGH WITH ME, PLEASE."
"Mwhahahaha!" Smeezer and Bentfence joined in. "MWHAHAHAHA!"
The next morning, while daydreaming about Tuxedo Dego running his arms all over her body, who did Julie see in the distance but none other than -
"Tuxedo Dego!" Julie gasped with pleasure. "Is that you?" When the figure got closer, Julie realized
that she was mistaken. "No. It is the Prince." She shrugged. "Oh well, good enough for me." Julie
ran to the Prince.
"Mwhahahaha," she added as she rubbed her head against
his chest.
"UH . . .
WHY, HELLO THERE, SAILOR MOO. WHY, SAILOR MOO,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He asked as Julie continued to rub her head against
his chest.
"I want you to run your arms all over my body."
"CAN'T WE
TALK INSTEAD?" the Prince asked, panic rising in his voice.
"No! Talking is overrated. Just run your arms all over my
body." She continued to rub his
chest.
"BUT HOW
ABOUT YOU TELL ME WHAT YOUR WE-WE-WEAKNESSES ARE," he suggested, backing
away in fear.
"You
already know what my weaknesses are, you sexy man!" Julie cried.
"BUT - BUT - PLEASE TELL ME AGAIN. WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Julie leapt on
top of the alleged Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts.
"STOP, PLEASE! HELP! HELP!" the Prince cried. "I'M BEING ASSAULTED BY A GIRL IN A SCHOOL-GIRL UNIFORM IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER! HELP! AHH! AHH!"
Later, back in
the ghetto of Beau Chene . . .
"Oh, Mr. Mister, you're back so soon," clay Professor Smeezer said.
"AS IT TURNS OUT, THE DISGUISING MYSELF AS ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS AND THEN TRYING TO FIND OUT THEIR WEAKNESSES WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA. IN FACT, IT WAS A VERY BAD IDEA."
"Mr. Mister, what are you going to do next?"
"THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. . . HMM . . . I KNOW! I WILL ATTEMPT TO LURE ONE OF THEM INTO A SECLUDED ALLEY AND I WILL PERSUADE THEM TO TELL ME THEIR WEAKNESSES. MWHAHAHAHA. MWHAHAHAHA. MWHAHA - LAUGH WITH ME, PLEASE."
"MWHAHAHAHA! MWHAHAHAHA!" They all chorused synchronously.
Fortunately
for Mr. Mister, that very night, Valerie just happened to be walking alone on
the street near a secluded alley, searching for a random bad guy so she could
attempt to bite his or her ear and/or head off.
"SAILOR
PSYCHY," the mysterious cloaked figure whispered from around the corner,
throwing his voice the way he had learned before he was an evil mastermind in
ventriloquism class so that it would sound like he was standing right beside
Valerie.
"What?"
Valerie said, looking around confused. She couldn't see anyone. "Are those the voices in my head?"
"UH . . .
YES."
"Are you
calling out to me? Voices in my head,
what do you want me to do?"
"I WANT
YOU TO COME OVER HERE TO THIS DARK, SECLUDED ALLEY."
Valerie considered this for a moment. "Okay," she agreed happily, skipping over to where the cloaked figure hid waiting for her. "Wow!" Valerie said as she caught sight of him. "Are you a giant cloaked man?"
"WHY . .
. YES I AM."
"Hey! Do you have big ears under that cape?"
"UM . . . MAYBE?"
"Could I
bite them off?"
"NO."
"Please?"
"NO!"
"Pleeaasseee?"
"NO!!"
Valerie lept on top of the cloaked figure screaming, "I'm going to bite your ears off!"
"HELP!" the cloaked figure cried. "I'M BEING ATTACKED! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIRL WHO WANTS TO BITE MY EARS OFF! AHH! AHH!"
Later, back in the ghetto of Beau Chene . . .
"Mr. Mister," Smeezer said timidly, "was it bad?"
"WHY, YES
IT WAS. HOW DID YOU KNOW?"
"My heightened sense of smell told me," Bentfence explained.
"AS IT
TURNS OUT, WEARING A CAPE MAKES PEOPLE WANT TO BITE YOUR EARS OFF. WHO
KNEW?"
"Mr.
Mister, what are you going to do next time?"
"THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION. HMM . . . LET ME THINK . . . I KNOW! I WILL . . . PRETEND TO HAVE AMNESIA (DON'T ASK). MWHAHAHAHA! MWHAHAHAHA! MWHAHA- Laugh with me, please."
Two very
confused balls of clay joined in on the maniacal laughter. "MWHAHAHAHA! MWHAHAHAHA! MWHAHA - I'M
GETTING REALLY TIRED OF THIS - HA HA."
Later, at the
local hospital, Mr. Mister lay in a hospital bed, wrapped from head to toe in
bandages, disguised as an injured (but attractive) man.
"MWHAHAHAHA. MY
PLAN IS SO BRILLIANT. I PRETEND TO BE
INJURED . . . 
AND THE SENSHI SCOUT PERSON WHO WORKS HERE WILL FEEL SORRY FOR
ME, AND SHE WILL REVEAL HER WEAKNESSES. YEAH . . ."
"Uh, hi!"
Mallory greeted the seemingly injured man as she entered the hospital
room. "I'm the volunteer nurse
because I am in the Health Pathway. I'm
here to give you your sponge bath!"
"OH, REALLY?"
"Oh my God!" Mallory cried upon seeing the extent
of the man's injuries. "What
happened?"
"I . . .
DON'T REMEMBER?"
"Why not?"
"I . . .
HAVE AMNESIA."
"Ohh," Mallory said thoughtfully. "Are you confused?"
"WHY, YES
I AM."
Mallory's eyes lit up. "I'm confused too! We must be destined to be together!"
The allegedly
injured man was speechless. "UH - UH - UH OKAY."
"Fate has
overcome us!" Mallory cried, leaning closer to the bedridden man.
"WAIT!
WAIT, I'M A PATIENT!"
"We must
fulfill our fate!" Mallory jumped
on top of the man.
"AH! NO! HELP! I'M BEING ASSAULTED BY
SOMEONE AND I HAVE AMNESIA! AH! AH! AH!"
Not much
later, in the ghetto of Beau Chene . . .
"Bad?"
Smeezer and Bentfence
chorused.
Mr. Mister
sighed. "YEAH. YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO
NEXT? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I'M GOING
TO DO NEXT?"
"Oh yes,
Master," Smeezer replied. "I would love to know what you want to
do next."
"WELL . .
. YOU KNOW WHAT, SINCE HAVING A BODY TENDS TO BE A PROBLEM WITH ME, SEEING AS
HOW EVERY GIRL WANTS ME, I WILL SIMPLY . . . GO INVISIBLE! MWHAHAHAHA. MWHAHA . . . HA," the maniacal laughter
quickly turned to painful sobs. "PLEASE JUST LAUGH," he requested. "MAKE ME FEEL BETTER."
"Ah . . . ha . . . ah . . . ha . . ." Smeezer and Bentfence laughed pathetically.
The next day,
without a physical body, invisible Mr. Mister felt much happier . . . and safer
. . . as he headed to the Sailor Senshi's
not-so-secret secret hideout.
"MWHAHAHAHA. THEY'LL NEVER KNOW I'M HERE BECAUSE I'M INVISIBLE AND I CAN JUST LISTEN
TO THEIR CONVERSATIONS!"
"Hey! What are you doing here?" a voice said
out of nowhere.
"AH! WHO SAID THAT?" Mr. Mister cried.
"It's
me! Bob!"
"WELL, I
DON'T SEE YOU!"
"That's because I'm invisible!" the voice replied happily.
"I AM TOO."
"Oh. He he," Bob
giggled stupidly. "Isn't that
fun? I love being invisible."
"DO
YOU? YOU AREN'T . . . SEXUALLY EXCITED
BY INVISIBLE PEOPLE BY ANY CHANCE?"
"Well . .
." Bob responded, batting her invisible eyelashes and puckering her lips.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Mr. Mister cried. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY FROM ME!"
"I just want to touch . . .
"GET AWAY FROM ME! NO! NO! AHH! AHH! AHH!"
Some time
later, the senshi were once again gathered in
Valerie's bedroom.
"You know
what guys," Valerie said. "I
just realized that this summer has been really boring. That is . . . until earlier this week, when I
got lost in an alley and . . . never mind."
Niki nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean."
"Yeah, at
the hospital the other day when I was working as a candy stripp- I mean, candy striper, I . . . never
mind. It's not important."
"The
other day when I was making out with the Prince Who Likes Coke and
Peanuts," Julie began.
"Wait,
isn't that the future self of your boyfriend?" Mallory asked.
"Yes! And he is so much more . . . powerful . . .
than Tuxedo Dego will ever be!"
"Yesterday, I assaulted an invisible man," Bob said, a smile on her face. The other senshi stared at her in silence. "What? This week was a good week."
Later that
night . . .
"Valerie,"
Bob said, "how come you get to sleep on the bed, everyone else gets to
sleep on the floor, and I have to sleep standing up?"
"Well,
Bob, it's because NOBODY LIKES YOU DAMN IT!"
"You know
what I realized?" Niki said. "Standing up like that, wrapped in her
sleeping bag, Bob looks kind of like a pig in a blanket!"
Bob glared at
the red-head. "Are you saying I'm
FAT??!!"
"Why, yes
I am."
"Uhh . . . I just want to go to sleep now so I can have
dreams about Tuxedo Dego running his arms all over my
"
Before she
could finish, Mallory leaned over and slapped the senshi's
annoying leader. That shut her up. "Ah, much better," Mallory sighed
as she snuggled down into her sleeping bag.